The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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