Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
