dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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