my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
