then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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