highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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