Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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