I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
