Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
