Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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