im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
