btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
