i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
