Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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