I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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