Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
