I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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