my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
