hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
