dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
