So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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