why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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