Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
