dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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