My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
