Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
