he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
