I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
