I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
