I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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