why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
