God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
