This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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