The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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