i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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