Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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