I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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