I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
