my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
