I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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