Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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