I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
