i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
