This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
