my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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