Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
