yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
