i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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