Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
