all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
