He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
