i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im holly from the hills drunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
