and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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