Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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